Hi! So this is my first official post as to 'blogging about my inner most thoughts'. You all are well aware of my sudden leave or break from blogging. But actually its not the blogging I had a break off. I'm hoping you guys are smart enough to figure that one out. ;) So anyway, I was in the car yesterday with my friends when I heard a random song (it was the first time I heard that song) and it made me think about all the events that happened in the past weeks. I didn't want to share that much regarding the break up issue but right now I wouldn't want to bother my friends with me calling, chatting and sending text messages just to share my thoughts and whats going on in my mind and whatnot. So here I am, blogging about it. :D
Last Wednesday night, I finally decided to start from scratch and just live my life in a different light. It was hard because I didn't want to let go just yet but I know I have to. To be honest, I was desperate enough to move on which made me think of leaving town and transferring to another place, hoping that being geographically far from him was going to help me get better. It was just too much, unbearable and unbelievable the two perfect words to describe it. I will not be denying the fact that I cried and I didn't expect that I could ever cry that much in my entire life. The house helper had to bring me tylenol because I was literally crying too much. I have never felt that exhausted and melancholic ever in my life. For the past weeks, I appreciate all my family and friends' support and love. The attention that they're giving me was beyond my expectation. It is very heart warming to hear the people around you telling you how much you mean to them. That is why after crying a thousand river I decided to gather up all my strength and I finally had the courage to tell him that I wanna talk to him in person.
I was trembling and I felt nervous when I called him that night telling him to meet me so we can both get our stuff back from each other. I wrote him letters knowing that if I try to explain myself in front of him it would only lead us to a never ending battle. And so I wrote him letters, relating to all the stuff I have of him. The items of me and him. Yes I would say it was a very dramatic and pathetic move but it was my own way of saying goodbye, thank you and...take everything back. ;) It was a sign of letting go.
The day came and I was completely melting. I didn't know what to say because everything I wanted to tell him was written in the letters. I managed to look into his eyes and I saw the good man I met more than a year ago. It made me realize that there is no other way of feeling better than choosing to let go. Choosing to look at the brighter side of the situation. I am angry no more. Honestly, I feel like a dart was removed from my sobbing heart. Up until the last moment of having him near me made me feel like somehow we both still cannot let loose of the grip. But I know we have to. It is the only way we can heal, and grow. Yet, out of wondering and talking about who's who and what's what but no turning tables, I felt happy. And only then did the tears finally come. But I was lucky enough to manage not to show him. (Perks of wearing eyeglasses wink)
I know that only by acknowledging all my fault and wrong doings would help me free my heart from all the hatred and sadness. And so I did. I admitted the things I haven't been able to admit to myself and he did the same. It was a good talk indeed. I tried so hard to not tell everyone what I was really feeling but honestly, part of me was hoping he would tell me how much he loves me and how much we needed to fall back together. But of course, he didn't do that. :D I wouldn't be writing this if he did. :)
As much as I wanna talk about everything, I still want to keep it somehow private since the other party is not really a fan of this portion (blogging about my inner most thoughts haha and I hope you guys understand why). But the whole point of writing this post is because I wanna share how clear my mind is right now, ever since we had the talk. :) I am raising my hand and admitting that I was drowned by the sadness, anger and hatred that was caused by the sudden misunderstanding (as I would call it). But now I feel free. My mind is free from hoping and waiting for a text that I know I would never again receive. The how are you, i miss you, i wanna see you text messages that would never again appear on my inbox. I have finally realized that love isn't about hearts and flowers. Although I am still willing to believe in those. :) I am not closing my heart for anymore opportunities of having someone beside me who'll stand by me through anything. :) I am young and I know God has plans for me. :)
I now have a clear mind and heart that I know will help me face the upcoming challenges and obstacles that God has planned for me. The fight is over. I am waving the white flag. Everything is clear to me now. I found clarity in his eyes and deep inside my heart. I am okay. And I know I gahdamn deserve to be. :)
Goodnight everyone and make sure you sleep with a clear mind, heart and conscience. :)
Ps, please dont hate. Everything said in this blog post is my opinion and nonetheless accept it and respect it. :) XOXO, tesle