Losing Yourself & Finding Love Again

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Warning: This article is quite long, I hope you don't get bored! :P


I have always been the emotional one, some of my friends would refer to me as the marshmallow. Not only because I cry very easily but because I am very sensitive and I always get hurt way too deeply. I'm assuming you guys have read my past blog posts and the reason why I started this blog and whatnot. I'm feeling quite nostalgic right now and what better way to indulge with that feeling than to blog about it, right? :)

I will never forget how I felt back then, you know, when I was all about: trying to feel better, trying not to cry myself to sleep, trying not to become a lifeless soul and trying to heal a broken heart. Don't judge me! I know we've all been there, we've all had our hearts broken by the people who meant the world to us - and I'm not just talking about guys, it can be a friend or maybe a family too!

Now let me take you guys back to the old days when I knew I lost myself and how I realized I could never get it back again, no matter how hard I try.

Nobody knew how hard I tried to cope with everything that has happened to me. It wasn't easy to lose 'me' amidst everyone who thinks they know 'me' better than I ever knew myself. Looking back, I finally realized how 'lost' I was. I didn't know how to stop it, the pain. The excruciating pain from the truth which I hid from for a very long time. So, what did 'losing myself' really meant? It was losing faith, losing hope, losing the only thing that made you hold on to life. There was nothing else I could do than to move forward, step by step. Well, actually they were baby steps. I prayed every night, for the pain to go away, for me to stop hurting. I can't thank the heavens enough for giving me the best support system during those times of need. And because at the time I thought I lost the one real thing I've ever known, I stopped believing, I built walls around me and made sure that no one would ever be able to break them down again. I looked at people in a different way, I saw them as a threat, as enemies. A betrayal of one made it seem like a betrayal of the whole world. It was as if the entire universe was my enemy. I didn't know who I was, I didn't know who to trust, nothing can make me feel better. I hated the world for a moment, but one day I woke up and realized, I didn't hate the world. I hated myself. I hated myself for being weak, for being so scared, for being a coward. It was the hardest battle I've ever encountered, having to fight for yourself. Fighting with yourself. Not knowing what to do, not knowing which way to turn, not knowing how to turn things around. I hated myself because I have ever so deeply wanted to go back to the 'old me'. I hated the fact that I knew I couldn't go back. There was just moving forward and I didn't want to move forward. I was so scared and I didn't tell anyone how I felt. I became arrogant; trying to look strong, trying to be strong. I hated the fact that things didn't turn out as planned, and you guys know how I love making plans. Months passed by and acceptance came along with it. I realized that the only thing I needed was acceptance. Acceptance of the truth, clarification and a bottle of liquor. ;)

"I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me" - I knew you were trouble, Taylor Swift


And now let me take you guys to my favorite part - finding love again. :p

Everything went smoothly, girl meets boy - boy falls in love, boy says i love you, girl answers with i love you too. And that was it. Just kidding! But it was pretty much, how I'd sum up everything that happened. :D But of course, everyone's dying to know all the details. Just kidding! :P I know you guys couldn't care less about my relationship. LOLJK

On a serious note, everything really went smoothly. Giles and I met through our common friends, he was there on my 18th birthday party but no one knew or even saw him. :p But we weren't a 'thing' that time, just a friend of a friend. ;) But during a party, our paths crossed again and this time we got the chance to really talk and get to know each other. I told him about the guy that I was seeing at the time and how fucked up our "relationship" was, and he listened to me - I've never had any guy listen to me the way he did. We talked until dawn while all our friends were getting so drunk. Giles & I were having a real conversation, pretty much not the kind of conversation you'd expect in a party. I remember him offering me coffee & our famous "pandesal story". That same morning I got a text message from Giles asking if I got home safely but we only exchanged a few text messages since he was practically living with his friends. He was with them all the time. The text messages became calls and calls became date nights and it went on and on. :)

Our love story isn't something extravagant or extraordinary. It was simple, quiet & most of the time funny. We were two people damaged by love and everything that surrounded us. He had these high walls that I knew he easily torn down because of me. And I never thought it would feel this real. Not talking to him for a day makes me feel anxious, like I couldn't breathe. I'm absolutely sure that he loves me - flaws & all. And it is such a beautiful thing, to find love again. It's even better because I fell for someone who's just as head over heels as I am. :) Giles and I may be very different from each other, but our love is like a boomerang. It draws us back in each other's arms over and over again. And I don't mind at all. :)

"Braced myself for the 'goodbye' because that's all I've ever known. But you took me by surprise, you said 'I'll never leave you alone." - Mine, Taylor Swift

I hope you guys made it through this blog post!

xoxo

Tesle

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