It's been so long since I've written something from the heart. I used to love blogging because it was an outlet for me to release all the overflowing emotions I've been feeling. This blog has been with me since I got my very first heartbreak. It was bittersweet, just thinking about it now makes me so happy and anxious at the same time. I can still remember how sad I was, mostly crying through all the blog posts. But I survived. All the more reason why I feel like I lost the connection with my blog was because of those judgemental hypocrites waiting around for me to write about something that they can gossip about. But, I realized, the hell I care? I started this blog for the sole reason that I wanted to share a huge part of who I am and no one can ever change that.It's no secret that I've been in a relationship for more than two years and it has gone from good to great. Honestly, most days it's all great and I couldn't be happier. But you know, that part of the story came where everyone argues all the time and you start second guessing yourself and the choices you make. I have always been the most decisive person in the world. If I make a decision, I stand up for it. I mean, it's pretty obvious, I chased my ex boyfriend for almost a year despite everybody telling me that I should get over it and move on. I didn't wanna let him go just yet and I knew he was the one I wanted (at that time). My point is, I was always the type of person who can make her own decision and I'm someone who likes to keep her eye on the goal. But lately, I realized there wasn't any goal for me to keep my eye on anymore. I've lost myself while wanting to be the best for the person I love. I changed who I am and I changed the way I see the world...because I was in love. You see, when we're in love, we tend to forget about the whole world and we tend to focus on the object of our affection. I didn't realize that it was wrong, to lose yourself because of loving someone so much. It could be a good thing though, for some people, it's enough to keep them going. It's sweet to know that someone has his/her eye on you and only you. But for some people like me, it could be losing yourself entirely and you end up not knowing who you are anymore.
Everyday has become a battle for me to fight, trying to keep myself sane. I realized that I focused so much on my relationship that maybe I've missed on some pretty good things that could happen. Don't get me wrong I am not one to regret. I never regret anything I've ever done in my life except some moments when I hurt the people who truly care about me. But maybe I've missed some opportunities, some things that I had to pass up because I was in a relationship. I even tend to forget that love doesn't just come from your significant other, love also comes from your family and your friends. And even your pet. :) And most importantly, from yourself. Maybe I was so desperate for love and I was so scared to not lose it that I forgot to be myself. I forgot that it takes two to tango. I forgot to voice out my opinion, I forgot that I had a choice, I forgot that there's me, too. I relied so much on him, focused on our relationship and I actually forgot about me. I finally realized that I wasn't lost, that feeling blank and confused wasn't because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, it was because I never tried to hear myself out. I wasn't lost, I just forgot who I am. And it's not that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, it's because people keeps controlling my life. Starting now, I want to focus on myself. I want to do things, for me. And not for anyone else. I'm going to do what makes ME happy regardless if people won't approve. I don't care anymore. This is my life and I should get to live it the way I want to. And you should too. Don't wait around and wait for things to happen like I did for months. Do it now and make things happen. It's never too late to become the person you've always wanted to be.
....And now I'll do what's best for me
"The only thing I'm committed to right now is bettering myself".
Photos by Pocholo Mendoza
Sweater from Forever 21 | Pants from Freshgear Jeans