Tesle Talks About Heart Ache

There are moments when I look back and I see my old self and I think about how much pain I have been through. The pain of being left alone, unwanted and under appreciated. I used to call it the worst tragedy of my life (ang babaw diba! Hahaha!) But it's true, nothing compares to the pain kapag iniwan ka. Masakit, mahirap, parang tumigil yung mundo mo. Ganong level. Actually, I did all of the things na naisip ko at that time 'eh. I read books about how to move on, how to forget, how to start over.. Lahat na. I even watch Youtube tutorials on how to get over your ex. Yup, I was that desperate. Jovit Baldivino wasn't joking when he said "too much love will kill you" and syempre ang famous line ng Coldplay na patama sa lahat ng nasaktan, nadapa, nadurog, nagdurugo ngunit patuloy na lumalaban (wow!) "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard". I guess I'm just really lucky that I survived the heart break. I was so lonely and honestly, pathetic. I couldn't let go of a man who was never even willing to give me his all at that time. Yan yung nasa isip ko, but then a few years later I realized I did a lot of things too that caused him to break off the relationship. I just didn't see all of my wrong doings because I was blinded by the pain that he caused me. Pero ganon naman diba, pag nasaktan tayo, feeling natin tayo lang ang nasaktan. We tend to forget that there were two people in the relationship, at minsan kapag nga minalas-malas ka pa, hindi lang kayo dalawa. Minsan may bonus pang isa. (Third party, ganon!) 

I really thought I'd never get over it, or him. Akala ko nga, forever na akong malungkot. Pero hindi pala, kasi nga naman walang forever. Chos! Meron girl, manalig tayo! Meron! Sa tamang tao, sa tamang panahon. Sa tamang relasyon. But the break up was surprisingly a blessing in disguise. I truly believe that heart breaks and heart aches are always meant to teach us new lessons in life and to make us stronger. Just like the line from my favorite Kelly Clarkson song, ang theme song ng mga nasaktan pero naka survive naman: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. True enough, I was knocked down, my heart was bruised, my eyes were blinded by anger and pain, I held my own hand because he wasn't there to hold it anymore, but time healed my wounds and I got back up, so much stronger. Now I think about my pain and I can just, smile. I'm thankful that it happened to me, I'm thankful to have felt the excruciating pain of seeing him, seeing myself and seeing the world pass me by. When he left, I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I cried every damn day, I prayed every damn day too. Sabi ko nga kay Lord, "quota na ako sa sakit eh!" pero since mabait naman si Lord, He heard my prayers. And then I met Giles.. Akala ko I'd never fall in love again as much as I did before, but wait there's more! There's more love pa pala that I could give. Yung love ko na naipon nung mga panahon na mag isa nalang ako. So I was just happy that I was able to shower all that love to everyone, to my family, my friends na alam kong sawang sawa na makinig sa paulit ulit ulit ulit kong mga kwento, sa mga prof sa La Salle na nakaka alam ng kwento naming dalawa, sa mga blog readers ko na walang sawang nagbibigay ng mga payo saakin noon. And of course, to my very own angel, Giles.

 I used to think that ako ang angel sa buhay ni Giles, but hello?! Come to think of it, he was the one who lifted me up, he was the one who picked up the pieces and made sure that these pieces will never break again. He's the one who loved me after everything that I've been through. And now I can just sleep well, knowing that he still loves me when I wake up. One of my fears talaga yung pag gising ko hindi na ako mahal. Lakas maka-arte but it's true. Before kasi, I thought the XYZ and I were getting back together, so ayan Viber kami, call ganyan until the break of dawn! So syempre asadong bola bola na naman ako, girl! And then I asked him "What if tomorrow when you wake up, ma realize mo hindi mo na ako mahal?" He said "Edi hindi na ako matutulog, para hindi mangyari yon" not the exact words syempre tagal na girl pero yan yun meaning. Hahaha! So ayun na nga nakatulog kami na off na yung Viber syempre so when I woke up.... he never talked to me again. That's why I have a fear sa mga sleeping moments na ganyan. Until I started dating other guys, yun na talaga fear ko. But with Giles kasi, he makes me feel like there's no end, only moving forward. With Giles I feel safe, I can breathe, I can spread my wings and everyday, no matter how much we argue he still makes me feel that I'm enough for him. I'm not saying that my relationship with Giles is perfect, but it's better. At the end of the day, no matter how hard life is for me, everything still feels lighter because I know I have him.

So for those of you who are messaging me, asking me how I did it, I promise to write more articles for you. Kung yun ang sa tingin nyo would help you move on. I would like to somehow be able to help ease the pain because I know how it feels and I know how painful it could be. But I promise, all the pain will be worth it in the end. Just hang in there, hang tight. And never lose sight of who you are. Because YOU are amazing. Remember that you are worth loving and worth fighting for. If the guy who broke your heart can't see that, then so be it. Move on! Forget! Start over! It's okay to cry, to mourn over it. Ako nga inaraw araw ko ang pag iyak noon eh. Bukod sa nakaka ganda minsan dahil medyo mapula pula pa yung eyes mo and nose mo, nakaka payat din yun girl! Kidding aside, it truly is okay to cry. Nasaktan ka eh. Ganon talaga, normal yan. Hindi ibig sabihin mahina ka, ibig lang sabihin minahal mo talaga sya. For my next post, himay himayin natin ang mga ways to help you move on with your life without him. Ano pa ba't nag Psychology ako kung hindi naman natin gagamitin diba? Hahaha! #FeelingExpert 

But yeah, I hope I could use my own learnings and experiences to somehow help the people who are going through a similar situation that I've been through before. I may not be a love expert or a Psychiatrist, but I can be a friend. And sometimes, that is all we need.

*gif from Google*

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