Honestly, I have absolutely no freakin' idea of what it's going to be. I'm talking about life in general.
You see, I've always been the type of person who plans everything. I make decisions using a pro/con list. Even with the guys I used to date, I make a pro/con list to figure out whether or not I should be with them. That is how obsessed I am with planning my life out. I do certain things to make sure I am in control. I like to write in my planner, schedule my day ahead and make sure I leave nothing out. A couple of months before my college graduation, I was already so hyped to look for a job. Projects poured down on me like raindrops and I knew I just had to take 'em all in. I was so motivated, my dad had to talk me out of working my ass off too much since I was also still working on some school stuff at that time and I used to brush it off, telling people how excited I am to be entering the real world.
And then six months after, I felt so lost. Like really really lost. Like when Rory Gilmore took a break from Yale and stayed at her grandparent's pool house kind of lost. I didn't exactly know what I wanted to do, I felt stuck for a moment. I wasn't myself and I knew no one would understand what I was going through. It's just me, I thought that there's a problem within, like there's this empty hole waiting to be filled. I started second guessing myself, thinking I wasn't good enough. Later then I realized, I created that hole inside of me. I created it so I have a reason to not claim what's really for me. It became my reason to stop trying, to stop achieving.
Couple of months later, I still don't know exactly where I should go. But at least I got a simple plan - to work my ass off 'til I get enough money to pay for my wedding. Now, that's something to look forward to. I don't care how long, I don't care if it takes a few years. At least that'd be my motivation. So many times, I wanted to quit. To just runaway from this life, runaway from my family's tower of expectations and just be who I've always wanted to be. But of course, responsibility and independence are two things that doesn't co exist in my world. I guess, this is going to be one of those filler episodes on your favorite tv shows, a blank one, just going on and on until the writer thinks of something better. This is going to be a another I can't do this anymore. This is going to be another challenge, another milestone and another dare from life itself.
I just hope all of this is going to be worth it, this is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.
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